It's like: slow cancerous death rattle, this american life, what are you looking at dicknose?

how to untrap your withering, cancer-ridden body from the belly of a lotus flower with nothing but a pair of pliers

By dusty (April 7, 2008)

This is a hard-knock life. And not just because ‘stead of treated, we get tricked. Or because ‘stead of kissed, we get kicked. 

This is a hard-knock life because God’s got some big fucking hands. And with hands that big, I imagine you can knock pretty hard. Hell, why not knock the whole world on its ass and watch it get back up again. Just to watch the world (itself some kind of symbolic Rocky Balboa) punch that invisible infallibility with hopeless left hooks and useless undercuts — each time getting knocked right back down (and it’ll get up again, he’s never gonna keep it down).

Because life hits harder than anyone. And God damn well surely better be able to hit even harder than that. 

So, how do you take such a beating, besides stuffing your veins with HGH and snorting pure adrenaline while freebasing cocaine? Well, if you know that, you know the meaning of life and be prepared because you are going to get a beatdown for that knowledge from a lot of people and several highly evolved animal species and maybe some deities too. 

The answer may not be clear, but there are several steps you can take to avoid a lifetime littered with beatings and years spent on life’s injury report. 

1. Be Happy. You know those homo smiley face pins? Pretend that is your real face. But don’t actually make your face look like that, though, because you will undoubtedly get your ass kicked. 

2. Learn how to take a beating. Beat yourself, if you have to. Because as discussed above, beatings are the main aspect of life. Be it from God, life, people or animals: you will take a beating in some form or another. Consistently. 

3. Have a favorite animal, so that whenever you see it in the zoo or in real life or if it is attacking you in your house, you can say “awww I love those things”. Mine is a zebra. — because, hey, look at those adorable black and white stripes! (I would still eat one, though. Just because you like something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t want to eat it as well.) 

4. Prepare a death date. It is coming for you. Sooner than you think, most likely.

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