I am self-righteous and self-gratifying and selfish and self-indulgent and self-absorbed. And that is why I write on this blog (sometimes), and also why I don’t care if you, the reader, care about me, the writer. So pat me on the back, motherfucker, because I am awesome and here is why:

1. I am nearly six feet tall. Officially I am listed at five-foot-eleven and three quarters. So what that means to you is that I have all the beauty of a six foot man without the inherent pretentiousness.

2. I laugh a lot. Mostly at the hilarious things I say but sometimes at the hilarious things other people say and still other times at the hilarious things other people don’t say, because, hey, sometimes people are retards or homeless or crack-addicts or all three.

3. I live the dream. I stay up late, I sleep when I want. I dream when I live. I eat popsicles and jumped in the ocean for the very first time just last week. And when was the last time you did that, motherfucker? Exactly.

4. I am good at most things. And that’s just the truth.

So, I may or may not like you (I probably like you), and you may or may not like you (let’s get married then?), but there is definitely one thing we can agree on — and that is that this blog really probably only matters to me. Oh and also that I am awesome, as stated above.

Which begs the question: how did this all happen for me? Was it my amazing parents (who were born on the exact same day, by the way)? Or the tiny farm town of five thousand neutered souls in which I grew up? Or the multitude of little adopted children that still live in the house I grew up in? Or maybe it’s the Capricorn traits of which I have none?

It is probably all of those plus other things I can’t remember. And I probably don’t care about those things either, because in the end, I don’t really care about the equation that formed the solution (I can’t even do longhand division), and there is no calculator for solving life, that I know of.

And besides, this is all just a self-absorbed way for me to write witty banter that makes me laugh at you for laughing at it.