It's like: neanderthals and me, the art of seduction, what are you looking at dicknose?

A VERY CRITICAL UPDATE AND ANNOUNCMENT:

By dusty (August 1, 2008)

I have still not shaved my beard because I am awesome.

And hairy.

Awesomely hairy.

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It's like: this american life, what are you looking at dicknose?

the self-aggrandizing grandeur of living in perceived poverty while training a lion to kill

By dusty (April 18, 2008)

I am self-righteous and self-gratifying and selfish and self-indulgent and self-absorbed. And that is why I write on this blog (sometimes), and also why I don’t care if you, the reader, care about me, the writer. So pat me on the back, motherfucker, because I am awesome and here is why:

1. I am nearly six feet tall. Officially I am listed at five-foot-eleven and three quarters. So what that means to you is that I have all the beauty of a six foot man without the inherent pretentiousness.

2. I laugh a lot. Mostly at the hilarious things I say but sometimes at the hilarious things other people say and still other times at the hilarious things other people don’t say, because, hey, sometimes people are retards or homeless or crack-addicts or all three.

3. I live the dream. I stay up late, I sleep when I want. I dream when I live. I eat popsicles and jumped in the ocean for the very first time just last week. And when was the last time you did that, motherfucker? Exactly.

4. I am good at most things. And that’s just the truth.

So, I may or may not like you (I probably like you), and you may or may not like you (let’s get married then?), but there is definitely one thing we can agree on — and that is that this blog really probably only matters to me. Oh and also that I am awesome, as stated above.

Which begs the question: how did this all happen for me? Was it my amazing parents (who were born on the exact same day, by the way)? Or the tiny farm town of five thousand neutered souls in which I grew up? Or the multitude of little adopted children that still live in the house I grew up in? Or maybe it’s the Capricorn traits of which I have none?

It is probably all of those plus other things I can’t remember. And I probably don’t care about those things either, because in the end, I don’t really care about the equation that formed the solution (I can’t even do longhand division), and there is no calculator for solving life, that I know of.

And besides, this is all just a self-absorbed way for me to write witty banter that makes me laugh at you for laughing at it.

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It's like: slow cancerous death rattle, this american life, what are you looking at dicknose?

how to untrap your withering, cancer-ridden body from the belly of a lotus flower with nothing but a pair of pliers

By dusty (April 7, 2008)

This is a hard-knock life. And not just because ‘stead of treated, we get tricked. Or because ‘stead of kissed, we get kicked. 

This is a hard-knock life because God’s got some big fucking hands. And with hands that big, I imagine you can knock pretty hard. Hell, why not knock the whole world on its ass and watch it get back up again. Just to watch the world (itself some kind of symbolic Rocky Balboa) punch that invisible infallibility with hopeless left hooks and useless undercuts — each time getting knocked right back down (and it’ll get up again, he’s never gonna keep it down).

Because life hits harder than anyone. And God damn well surely better be able to hit even harder than that. 

So, how do you take such a beating, besides stuffing your veins with HGH and snorting pure adrenaline while freebasing cocaine? Well, if you know that, you know the meaning of life and be prepared because you are going to get a beatdown for that knowledge from a lot of people and several highly evolved animal species and maybe some deities too. 

The answer may not be clear, but there are several steps you can take to avoid a lifetime littered with beatings and years spent on life’s injury report. 

1. Be Happy. You know those homo smiley face pins? Pretend that is your real face. But don’t actually make your face look like that, though, because you will undoubtedly get your ass kicked. 

2. Learn how to take a beating. Beat yourself, if you have to. Because as discussed above, beatings are the main aspect of life. Be it from God, life, people or animals: you will take a beating in some form or another. Consistently. 

3. Have a favorite animal, so that whenever you see it in the zoo or in real life or if it is attacking you in your house, you can say “awww I love those things”. Mine is a zebra. — because, hey, look at those adorable black and white stripes! (I would still eat one, though. Just because you like something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t want to eat it as well.) 

4. Prepare a death date. It is coming for you. Sooner than you think, most likely.

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